


A long way

by stargatelover



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: "Just Friends", Denial of Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship, unadmitted love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2020-02-26 19:22:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18723370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargatelover/pseuds/stargatelover
Summary: The following chapters are going to be short follow ups of certain episodes and mostly Sam/Jack centered. I have no idea where this is going but hopefully somewhere good ^^This chapter takes place after coming back from Simarka, the planet where Sam had been abducted and traded. The team gets together for a team-evening which ends in a conversation between Sam and colonel O'Neill.





	1. Jacket

It was one of the first team evenings of many, O’Neill came up with the idea to meet up after some missions to relax and calm down from all the trouble they had. This evening they met at the Colonel’s house. It was still warm despite the early stages of the year, and they sat comfortably outside on the back porch drinking, eating the things the Colonel managed not to burn and talking about the mission they just came back. Daniel was – as always – fascinated how cultures that were originally from earth had spread to other planets, O’Neill ridiculed their way of living and praised Sam for helping the women on the planet to have a more comfortable life. Teal’c’s comments were rare but always brought a new depth into the discussion. Night was falling when Daniel decided to go home and offered Teal’c a ride. Sam however stayed for a little longer, she had no urge to get home this early. SG-1 was off-duty for the next 48 hours so she had some time to relax, a situation she’d never been good at.

  
“So tell me, Carter,” O’Neill said sitting down on a chair opposite to her with a new beer in his hand. “How does it feel to live like an anthropologist for a few days.”

  
Sam smirked. “Well, Colonel, it’s something I can refrain from for the next time.”

  
Taking a sip of his beer he looked at her for a few moments. “I’m happy you can show your face again without being stoned to death.”

  
Sam shrugged in approval. “It’s such a strange culture, so different and… old fashioned. Both in their customs and their clothes.” She made a pause. “Though the last thing you seemed to like.”

  
A strange look fell on O’Neills face, it was a mixture of joy and shame. “What can I say, it was something different to the usual clothes you wear.”

  
Sam frowned at him. It was unusual talk of him. Most of the time they were together they were working and she wore her usual army clothes. Why would he want to see her in different clothes? “I had never worn something more inconvenient. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t do anything in it,” she protested.

  
“Maybe it was just the color that made me like it. It suited you and… er…” He looked at her eyes and quickly averted his eyes as if he was embarrassed of what he had in mind.

  
Sam gazed at the glass of water in her hand. Did he just compliment her eyes? He had complimented her back then on that planet, too, he had called her by her first name, Samantha, and even if it had a sarcastic undertone back then it sounded good in her ears.

  
“You and Daniel, you said me in the dress was… ‘me’. Did you really think so? Because I can’t think of anything else that is less me than that fuzzy piece of smelling fabric.”

  
He raised his shoulders and shot her another look. “You won’t have to dress like that again.”

  
Sam leaned back and sighed. “I know. Thank God.”

  
There was a little break were both thought about how to continue their conversation. The sun was gone by now and Sam began to get a little cold. She left her jacket at home since she didn’t expected herself to stay that long. However she didn’t want to leave yet, something held her back here in his presence.

  
“Are you cold?” The colonel asked as if he had read her mind.

  
“A little, but it’s okay. I think I won’t stay for long anyway.”

  
She thought she saw a trace of disappointment in his eyes but it was gone a second later and she wasn’t sure if she just imagined it.

  
“Let me get you a jacket,” he said and went inside only to come back three seconds later with one of his coats in his hand. “It might be a bit big for you but it’ll be warm alright.” He put the jacket around her shoulders and sat down again.

  
Sam thanked him with a smile and slipped into the warm jacket, still feeling his hands on the parts he swiftly touched. The coeat smelled just like him and although it was a bit baggy around her figure she felt homelike immediately.

  
“You know,” she began. “Those days on that planet gave me a lot to think about.” She said fidgeting with the zipper of the coat.

  
“How so?” he asked, looking at her.

  
Avoiding his eyes she continued talking. “The way women are treated there. It was the same here on Earth not that long ago and it’s still the same in some parts.”

  
O’Neill only nodded, his eyes focused on her hands that were still playing with the zipper. She stopped eventually when she noticed that he was watching her motions. “I wasn’t allowed to move or to talk at the times I wanted to, I had to follow all his orders.”

  
“I give you orders too.”

  
“That’s different.” Sam finally looked up and their eyes met. “I know you and it’s a completely different situation. You don’t see me as an object you can trade, you wouldn’t hit me in the face because I spoke, would you?”

  
“Of course not, Carter. I wouldn’t hit you anywhere. And by the way, it was weird enough to trade you back for gold.”

  
“At least Abu wanted to trade me for another woman.” Sam mumbled, thinking of the young girl that almost fell victim to her father’s rage.

  
“You know, Moughal offered to repay the price of you after his son kidnapped you.” Jack shook his head. “As if someone could put a price on you.” He seemed to realize what he just said and cleared his throat. “I mean… it’s impossible to… er… you’re invaluable… to the team.”

  
Sam smiled and looked at her hands. “Thank you, Sir. I appreciate you getting me out of there.”

  
“Nobody gets left behind. Remember?”

  
They looked each other in the eyes for a few seconds until Sam gazed away over the lawn. “It was humiliating, you know? Being diminished onto your appearance, your “beauty”. It was as if I weren’t a real human being. Just an object one could use for pleasure.”

  
There were a few things that lay on her chest which she would love to get rid of but she wasn’t sure the Colonel was the right person. She quickly looked at him, sitting there nonchalantly in the chair, sipping his beer, the features of his face growing darker as night fell onto them. The way Turghan had treated her still ashamed her. There was not much she had been able to do to stop him, she knew she would have payed with her life if she had continued to reject his orders. She had to give in a bit, she had to let him work his way.

  
“Are you okay, Carter?” O’Neill asked, he must have seen that something was bothering her. “Something you wanna talk about?”

  
Sam shook her head slowly. “No, Sir, it’s fine. I guess I’m just… it’s been a long week.”

  
“Don’t over think that mission. We did a good job, you especially. You empowered those women, you helped that girl escape her crazy dad and you might have changed everything for the women there.” He looked at her with pride in his eyes.

  
“I could have done more,” Sam objected.

  
“Like what?” O’Neill asked.

  
“I didn’t have to give in in front of Turghan.”

  
The colonel looked at her in disbelief. “C’mon, Carter. That man was crazy and you showed him very clearly what women can do.”

  
“I could have started it earlier. I let him use me like his other wives.”

  
“As far as I’m informed he would have killed you right there if you had strained his patience any more. Don’t worry about him or what you could’ve done better. You helped them more than we can probably imagine and we’ll check in with them in sometimes to see how they’re doing.”

  
“But with an only male team,” Sam reminded him with a smile.

  
Jack smirked. “Well, we will see. A lot of things have changed.”

  
“I should get going.” Sam said after another pause, got onto her feet and turned to the steps. Behind her she heard him getting out of the chair and following her to the car. She turned around and saw him contemplating her.

  
“Thank you, Sir, I feel better now.” she told him with a smile.

  
O’Neill smiled back. “Drive safely,” he said and watched her getting into the car.

  
Starting the engine she noticed that she was still wearing his jacket. She slipped out of it and rolled down the passengers window, he was still standing in the same spot. “Sir, your jacket.” She reached the coat over to the seat to the open window. For a moment his fingers brushed over the back of her hand as he took the coat and quickly she retreated her hand, confused about the touch. “See you soon, Sir.” she said and waved shortly.

  
He just nodded, the jacket still in his hand. As she drove away she observed him in the driving mirror. He stand there for another few seconds inspecting the coat as if she left some sort of trace on it. She remembered the smell of it, a fresh, earthy note mixed with the colonel’s aftershave. It felt so warm and comfy and she wouldn’t mind keeping it. What a weird thought that entered her mind. Why did she think so much about that simple piece of cloth he lent her?

  
It had been a nice evening, she liked the company of her teammates and of colonel O’Neill, he was a man she looked up to, a man who treated her the way she deserved. Of course she had to follow his orders, of course he, too, could tell her to shut up but he would never do it to restrict her rights. He would never hit her, never force himself on her. She shuddered thinking about Turghan back on the planet. His hard lips on hers, his rough hands in her hair and on her body, touching parts that weren’t allowed for him, weren’t allowed for anybody but the person she loved and trusted and where the feelings were mutually. There had not been no such person since things broke up with Jonas Hanson and since she started in the SGC it was highly unlikely to find someone with all the work she was doing. For now all she needed was to focus on her work and her career, it was the highest priority and nothing should interfere with that.


	2. Hanka

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Jack have a little talk after Cassandra is finally safe on earth.

Cassandra was playing with her new dog, Daniel accompanied her and together they tried to find a name for the dog. Daniel suggested Anubis since the Egyptian God was often depicted with a jackal head but Teal’c turned that idea down with the striking argument that Anubis had been a cruel system lord and Cassandra didn’t want to name her dog after some evil false god.  
Sam sat down on a park bench, watching her teammates and the girl that, although she knew only a few days, was already close to her heart. She reminded her of her niece and nephew whom she hadn’t seen in a long time. They weren’t as big as Cassandra was now but they soon would be. The colonel, who was now pushing Cassandra on a swing while Daniel and Teal’c looked after the dog, met Sam’s eyes, said something to Teal’c who now took his place and strode over the grass towards her.  
“Carter, won’t you play with us?” he asked jokingly and flopped himself next so Sam on the bench. “I did, just two minutes ago” she answered, eyes fixed on the girl with the flaming red hair.  
“She’s safe here,” the Colonel said, following her view. “Fraiser will look after her and you’re never far away. I bet she’d loved it if you stopped by sometimes. She’ll probably show you all the new tricks the dog has learned.”  
Sam smiled. “Does he have a name yet?” she asked.  
“Not yet. I hope she doesn’t let Daniel talk her in to some Greek God’s name. “  
With a grin Sam turned to him. “It’s very nice of you to give her this present.”  
O’Neill shrugged. “Well, you know, she’s all new here and until she goes to school she will have a friend at her side.”  
“I hope she acclimates soon. She has seen far too much for her age. But you’re right...” Sam wasn’t able to finish the sentence because Cassandra came running to her.  
“Sam!” Cassandra called. “Sam! I found a name!”  
Panting she stopped and beamed at Sam.  
“A name for the dog? What is it?” Sam asked.  
Now Cassandra seemed unsure. “I want to call him… I mean… Can I call him Hanka?” She looked at the two adults.  
Sam swallowed and took Cassandra’s hand into hers. Hanka had been the name of Cassie’s home planet.  
“It is your dog, Cassie, you can name him whatever you want.” Sam explained  
“As long as it’s not one of Daniel’s God’s,” O’Neill tossed in.  
Sam looked Cassandra in the eyes. “Do you really want to name him Hanka?”  
Cassandra nodded. “Yes. I… I… miss home and now he will remind me of that.”  
Sam lifted Cassandra onto her lap and wrapped her arms around her. “I think it is a wonderful name.”  
Cassandra beamed again and hugged Sam tightly but a second later she jumped back on her feet. “I have to tell him!” She exclaimed and ran to Daniel who squatted on his haunches petting the dog.  
A few moments Sam looked after her until she noticed that O’Neill’s eyes were fixed on her. She looked questioningly at him.  
“You could’ve adopted her yourself,” he said with a strange look on his face as if he was imagining something beautiful.  
Sam denied his statement with a shake of her head. “I wouldn’t be a good mom for her. She needs someone who is there for her and who can take care, someone who isn’t at work all the time.”  
“Fraiser is at work all the time,” O’Neill noted.  
“I know,” Sam admitted. “But that’s different. She doesn’t go off-world all the time. Plus, I’m not ready to have children yet.” She looked at him and quickly turned her eyes away, it felt strange talking to him about this topic. She knew that he had been a father, he had a son who was gone now. “I… I need to focus on my career for now.” She looked at her hands and suddenly felt thrown back to the evening when she and the colonel last talked like this, the first team evening they had.  
“Kids don’t stand in the way of your career.” O’Neill told her. “Especially in the SGC. You wouldn’t loose your job or something… You can always take a break… not that I want you out of the team, on the contrary…” He cleared his throat and the conversation fell victim to an uncomfortable silence.  
Sam watched the small group around the dog which now bore the name “Hanka”, Janet had joined them and peered over to where Sam and the Colonel were sitting, waving swiftly, then turning away.  
“Janet will be a better mother for Cassie than I could ever be. She has more experience, she has a good handling with people, she’s… she’s great.” She looked at O’Neill and smiled lightly. For her the time to have children hasn’t come yet. She wondered how O’Neill was feeling regarding Cassandra. Her situation was the opposite of what he had experienced. In his case his son had died and as a consequence his wife had left him whereas Cassandra had lost her parents, her friends and her whole world.  
What Sam had learned was that after the death of Charlie O’Neill’s world came tumbling down, leaving him in a kind of depression he managed to get out of after he started again at the SGC. She couldn’t help but wondering if O’Neill, should the opportunity occur again, would have kids again. She imagined him as a wonderful father, caring, funny, playing with the children, cuddling them, having breakfast in bed with his whole family on Sunday’s…  
When she looked at him she could see a series of different emotions in his brown eyes within a few moments: pain, internal struggle, happiness, sorrow, the knowledge of something that was missing, and hope. For a moment Sam felt as if the colonel had been an open book, she had never seen so much of him, and now it was gone again. They rarely spoke about personal things and basically never about family plannings or their past.  
“I’m gonna say hi to Hanka,” Sam finally said and broke the eye contact, noticing that Janet was watching them again.  
“I’ll join you,” he answered and together they got up and walked to the small group of friends. Janet shot Sam a look that was asking: What is going on? But Sam pretended not to see it and simply got down to Cassie to say hi to her new furry friend.


	3. Quarters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after the episode "Message in a Bottle", an injured O'Neills drops by Sam's quarters for a little chat.

Sam was exhausted, she had hardly slept in the last 24 hours but luckily now Colonel O’Neill was safe and recovering. She rubbed her face with her hands and sank down onto the bed in her quarters just to get up a second later when someone knocked at the door.  
“Come in.” She called and tried to look not as tired as she felt.  
O'Neill opened the door. “Evening, Carter, may I come in?” It was unusual for him to visit her in her quarters but after what just happened she was happy to see him.  
“Of course,” Sam answered and made a gesture in the direction of the chairs around the table. “You were allowed to leave the infirmary?”  
“Well,” said O’Neill while taking a seat, “I told Fraiser that I could sleep as good in my own quarters as in the infirmary and as you see, for once it worked.”  
Sam smiled and sat down at the table too. “So how are you feeling?”  
The bright blue streaks over his face and neck where only shadows now, it having been a few hours since the alien device was sent to a new planet.  
“Like I was hit in the shoulder by an arrow and thrown against a wall.” O’Neill told her and Sam tried to hide a smile. She could only guess how much it must hurt, not to speak of the alien presence that had taken over his body, but O’Neill always made things seem less horrible with his humor.  
“Sounds painful.” She said and searched his face for any sign of hurt.  
“It’s okay, don’t worry, Captain,” O’Neill reassured her. “I just wanted to see if you were still awake. You know, you need to catch up on some sleep.”  
“Do I look so bad?” Sam asked chuckling.  
“Of course not.” He shook his head and a moment later pressed his palm to his forehead.  
“Headache?” Sam asked in concern.  
He nodded slightly and looked up, now she could see the fatigue and tiredness in his face. “Just the usual stabbing pain.”  
“You should get some rest, Sir. General Hammond gave us the next two days off.”  
“I know.” O’Neill got up and staggered for a moment until Sam got up and stabilized him.  
“Sir, I think you should go back to the infirmary so Doctor Fraiser can keep an eye on you.” She held his arm and had her other hand on his back so he wouldn’t topple over.  
“I’m fine, Carter, I just need to get to a bed. My bed.” He added when he saw her eyes flicker to her bed. “I’m not gonna invade your quarters.”  
Sam closed her eyes for a moment. “Okay. Just let me get you back to the infirm...”  
“That’s not necessary, Carter. When I’m tucked into my bed it’ll be fine.”  
She sighed, sometimes he could be so stubborn. “Alright.”  
She noticed the warmth of his body through his clothes, she had a feeling that he still had a fever and decided that she would tell someone in the infirmary to check in on him during the night.  
“Is the dizziness gone?” She asked and looked at his face. Their eyes caught and for a moment they stood in silence, just looking at each other. Immediately her heart started beating faster, she could not believe that only hours before she thought she had lost him, she could not stand that feeling, it was the worst feeling in the whole world. It would have been impossible for her to say goodbye to a person who had such an important role in her life.  
“I’m okay, Carter,” O’Neill said with a softness in his voice she had never heard before. “I should go find my bed.”  
“I’ll accompany you… to your quarters, I mean,” Sam clarified.  
She expected him to protest again but this time he remained silent and together they slowly made their way to the door. She didn’t know at what point he took her hand that propped his arm but when he let go of her to open the door she felt like something was missing. She let go entirely of him before they stepped out onto the corridor, it would seem awkward if she had to help him and she knew he wouldn’t want to seem weak so she just walked besides him the short distance to his own quarters.  
Arriving at his door O’Neill looked at his wristwatch. “Looks like I’m home just early enough that dad won’t get suspicious,” he joked and gave Sam half a smile. “Thanks for the ride home.”  
Sam chuckled again. “Good night, Sir. Thanks for checking in.”  
He nodded and his eyes lingered a moment longer than usual on her.  
“Sweet dreams.” He said and swiftly brushed his hand over hers before opening his door and vanishing into his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you fangirlltrash for beta reading, you helped me a lot <3  
> Sorry it took so long to post the next chapter.


	4. Remnants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after "The Tok'ra Part 2".  
> Sam's mind is a mess after all she's been through for the past few days.

Sam sat in her car outside Cheyenne Mountain, staring at her hands on the steering wheel and thinking about the past few days. So much had happened. They had forged a new alliance, her father had been healed from the vicious cancer and now he’d gone to another planet to serve as a liaison between Earth and the Tok’ra. 

She had mixed feelings about her dad being gone. On one hand, she had hardly been in contact with him over the last few years. Their encounters before she introduced him to the Tok’ra hadn’t been especially heartwarming, but even so he was her dad. On the other hand, she was happy that he was now healthy and would live a long and presumably exciting life. He would get the chance to witness things most people on earth could never imagine.

Sam was so deep in thought that she startled when someone knocked on her window. Not yet entirely back in the present, she looked up and noticed Colonel O’Neill standing beside the car, looking at her questioningly.

“Sorry, sir, I was lost in thought,” she said, rolling down the window.

“So I noticed,” O’Neill replied, bending down while keeping one arm on the roof of her car. “Daniel and Teal’c are getting something to eat at O'Malley's. Wanna join us?”

Sam thought about it for a moment, well aware that O’Neill was still watching her. “Yes, sir, I’ll be there. When are we meeting them?”

“I think the boys are on their way now.”

Sam sighed internally. She would much rather go home, hit the shower and go to bed. She had so much to think about, but she had blown off the last team evening and couldn’t let them down a second time in a row.

“See you there, sir,” she said and took a deep breath. She closed the window as soon as the Colonel turned to make his way across the parking lot to his car and waited until she saw him pulling out of his spot and driving towards the guards. She followed and stayed behind him all the way to the restaurant.

Daniel and Teal’c, who wore a hat to hide the golden emblem on his forehead, were already sitting at a table in the corner and had waited for them to arrive before ordering.   
They each ordered a drink, and decided on an appetizer to share. O'Malley's was a restaurant they came to every couple of months, whenever work let them and all four of them had no other plans. Occasionally, Janet and Cassandra joined them, but it was rare. Each time they went, Teal’c would search the menu and each time he tried something new. Today he was intrigued by a “Sundae” and only changed his mind about ordering it for dinner after Jack found a decent meal he hadn’t tried yet.

The good thing about eating in public with the teammates was that they could not talk about Stargate Command. The bad thing, especially tonight, was that they could not talk about Stargate Command. Sam couldn’t think of anything else except the last mission: Martouf, Lantash, her father, Selmak, the Tok’ra, treason and infiltration... As a result, she kept quiet most of the evening while her teammates, mainly Jack and Daniel, talked about innocuous things.

As always, Daniel grew tired first and since he was driving Teal’c home, they decided to leave as soon as the bill came. They stood to say their goodbyes, but Daniel paused just before leaving. “Sam, you should get some sleep,” he said kindly.

“Thank you, Daniel, now I know how horrible I look,” Sam answered with a hint of sarcasm in her voice. Nobody needed to tell her how tired she was. Daniel just nodded and waved another goodbye as he and Teal’c left.

Left with only O’Neill, and no clue what to talk about, Sam stalled for time by drinking the last sip of her water.

“What?” she finally asked O’Neill, who was once again observing her.

He leaned forward so he didn’t need to speak so loudly in the noisy restaurant. “After what you’ve had to go through the past few days, anyone would be tired. I think you look just fine.”

Sam couldn’t avoid rolling her eyes. “Thank you, sir. That’s just another way to tell me that I need a long vacation.” 

“That’s not what I meant.” He looked at her insistently and after a few moments she finally returned the look. There was something in his eyes she had never noticed before, a look that sent shivers down her spine and made her mouth dry. What kind of emotion could make his eyes warm and cold at the same time?

Sam swallowed. “I know.” 

She was just about to say that she was going home, when O’Neill stopped her. “You want to go for a little walk?”

It reminded her of Martouf, who had also asked her to go for a walk, wanting to learn more about Jolinar. Thankfully, she knew O’Neill had other things in mind.

She nodded in agreement. “Sure.”

They paid, Sam grabbed her coat and they left the restaurant together, walking in the direction of park around Palmer Lake. It was already getting dark but it was still warm even though a light breeze made the trees whisper. For the first few minutes they walked in silence. Sam couldn’t stop thinking about everything that had happened, and a glance at O’Neill told her that he wasn’t sure how to start a conversation. Finally, he gave up on being subtle and burst out with what had apparently been weighing on his mind. “So that Martouf… or is it Lantash?”

“Martouf is the host. Lantash is the symbiote,” Sam explained.

“Right… right…” 

“What about him?” Sam prodded.

The Colonel was quiet for a moment. “You’re going to see him again?”

The question made Sam laugh. “Eventually. I mean, now that we have an alliance we’ll be seeing the Tok’ra again and I’m sure Martouf will be one of the ambassadors from time to time.” She knew that wasn’t the kind of “seeing someone again” O’Neill had meant, but she didn’t feel like going into that.

“Yeah, right,” he mumbled and once again they fell into silence. Sam came to a halt when they reached a place at the lake where they could go near the water. Just the mention of Martouf brought everything back to the surface and once again, her feelings threatened to overwhelm her. The remnants of Jolinar’s thoughts and emotions remained, and were muddled with her own. Sam had never known that someone could feel so much for another person. She had never known how much love, how deeply, a person could feel about another. The memories of the bond between Martouf and Rosha, Lantash and Jolinar were overpowering, and part of that bond, or the memory of it was permanently imprinted in her heart and mind.

“What’s going on up there, Carter?” O’Neill asked.

Sam purposely avoided eye contact and gazed out over the lake. “You don’t want to hear it,” she mumbled.

She saw him shaking his head from the corner of her eye. “It’s obviously bothering you, Carter, and when a… teammate of mine is worried about something, I like to hear about it.”  
Sam noticed the pause when he looked for the right term to refer to her. She knew that he cared about her, and suddenly it dawned on her what the look in his eyes had been earlier. Could she be wrong or was it possible O’Neill was jealous?

“It’s complicated, sir.” She shoved a small rock at her feet from one side to another. “I’ve got these feelings that I know aren’t mine, but it feels like they are. Now… ever since I saw Martouf… these feelings… it’s all there and it’s all just so… unsettling.”

She looked up and saw his dark eyes upon her. “I get that.”

“Really?” she asked.

“Actually… no.” O’Neill sighed. “I never had a larva wrapped around my spine that overtook my brain for a while then left and let all that stuff behind.”

“You didn’t miss anything,” Sam murmured and crossed her arms in front of her body. She needed something to hold onto.

“I don’t envy you,” O’Neill admitted and turned to her. His eyes seemed to say how much he wished he could do something to lighten the load she was carrying, but as usual his mouth stayed shut.

A cool breeze came off the lake and Sam tugged her coat tighter around her body. She wasn’t that cold, but she felt uncomfortable with the whole situation and she unconsciously tried to hide a bit inside her jacket. “I guess it will go away,” she said after a while.

“What?”

“The feelings… for Martouf… I mean, they’re not my feelings. I never wanted them. They were buried until now, maybe I can bury them again.”

“Do you want to bury them?” He looked like a boy, standing awkwardly with his hands in his pockets.

His question had her feeling just as awkward. “Yeah… I mean, as I said, I don’t want to live with anybody else’s feelings, even if they feel like my own. I would always know that they’re not mine. If Jolinar was still alive, it might be different, but all that’s left are these bits and pieces of her mind so… I want to make my own memories, and know they’re my own feelings… If… when I feel that way about someone… Sorry, sir.” It was so inappropriate of her to talk to him like this. She sounded like a teenage girl that finally wanted to experience love.

“No, I’m sorry. I mean… There is literally no human being on this planet who is less qualified to give advice on… those things than me.”

Sam smiled. “I don’t need advice, sir.” She just needed someone to talk to sometimes. “There’s just been a lot going on the past few days.”

“Yeah, that I get.” He smiled again. She loved it when he smiled, which was not nearly often enough.

“I’m sorry for my behavior earlier.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You know, when I didn’t want to leave my dad in the tunnel.” She hadn’t been able to leave him there not knowing what was going to happen, not without saying goodbye to him even if it meant disobeying an order.

The colonel shook his head. “Don’t worry about that. I get it. He’s your dad, Carter. You didn’t want to leave him to die. I just… I had to think of the rest of the team. The Tok’ra may be ready to die honorably in a tunnel instead of falling into the hands of the Goa’uld, but I didn’t want to risk anyone’s life more than necessary.”

Sam nodded and turned to him so that they stood face to face, closer than usual. “I’m sorry I put you in this situation.”

O’Neill made a dismissive gesture with his hand and accidentally brushed over her arm, which caused a prickling feeling on her skin. “Don’t worry about it. That should be the last thing on your mind.”

She smiled again. “Thank you, sir.” She looked at her watch.

“Bedtime?” he asked jokingly.

“For me, yes. But I think we both deserve some sleep.”

They walked back to their cars in silence. There was a short awkward moment when it seemed like O’Neill might hug her while saying goodnight, but he stopped himself. Normally, she would have been fine with that, but tonight, with her memories and feelings in such a mess, Sam wouldn’t have said no to a good hug. She pulled herself together, smiled and wished the colonel a good night.

As soon as Sam got home, she took a quick shower, and fell into bed with her hair still wet. For the first time in weeks, she wished she wasn’t going to bed alone. She tugged her blanket firmly around her, wanting a warm body next to her. First, Martouf came to mind. She thought of his warm hand, which she’d held for a few moments before Daniel interrupted them. She thought of his calm eyes that spoke of so much wisdom and pain. Then another face came to mind... The well known face of a man with gray hair, brown eyes and a bad knee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Many thanks to happycabbage for beta reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I plan more such stories set after certain episodes.


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